It's moments like yesterday's that my wife and I shared that I truly love. You'd think after all of the self-analyzing, sharing, and praying about the sale of our house (or lack of), that I would be less worried or stressed about the whole situation. But, once again, I learned something about myself thanks to my beautiful bride.
I was complaining about God abandoning us during this whole process. I know that I heard Him say to me so clearly in Honduras: "If you want to sell it, do it in honor of Me and I will answer your prayer". I have been whining and complaining now for three months because there has been absolutely no action on the house what so ever.
So, once again, I found myself sitting and discussing this with my wife. I mentioned my struggle with doing things to improve our chances of a sale. So now I'm basically bartering with God. I'll let you in on a little secret. . .God doesn't barter. In fact, He doesn't need to. You see, all of this time, I thought that He has completely backed out on His offer. "He hasn't", as my wife has pointed out so subtly. "So then why hasn't anything been happening", I ask. Then she looks at me as only she can and says, "Nick, what do you mean nothing has been happening? Look at all of the stuff He has gotten out of you. Look at how much you have been struggling and growing closer to Him through all of this. Maybe it's more about the sale of a house. Maybe it's about getting all of the crap out of your heart before He allows us to move on. It's His plan, not yours. You need to stop doing things to gain favor from Him, He loves you just the way you are."
WOW. I was speechless. She is so right. That's why I love her. That's why God has put her in my life. She truly completes me.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Open The Eyes Of My Heart
I was talking to my ten year son (Dominick) a couple of days ago and somehow we got onto the topic of faith. Dominick asked me how can I really believe in God. I told him that I have seen enough of His work in my life that now it is just easy for me to recognize Him.
With a puzzled look on his face and his fingers twitching (something only Dominick does when he is thinking), I could tell something deep was about to come out of his mouth. He looked at me and said "Dad, I believe in God, but sometimes it's really hard for me to believe in Him.""I mean, in order for me to believe in something or someone. . . . I have to see it right in front of me".
I looked back with my puzzled look and tried not to say anything because I really did not know what to say. I waited for a few minutes and then I said "Sometimes you just have to see and believe with your heart". "You believed in Santa all those years, and yet you never saw him". And I left it at that.
I processed our conversation for a day or two and then I approached him again. I told him that I am glad he is questioning his belief. We all do that. I think that it is in those moments that God really gets through to us somehow. We aren't just taking somebodies word for it, we are struggling and searching for Him. We are challenging Him to challenge us. And with all of that, comes growth. We may not see it at first because we are too human. But sooner or later, our questionable doubt turns into true belief and we know He is there.
Monday, September 21, 2009
LOST
It's official. I have lost my passion for doing wood work. At least from a job perspective anyway. This has been on my mind and heart for a while now. I took on a lot of work this summer and I saw my quality of work decrease. I believe that I'm just not wired to meet deadlines and multitask jobs simultaneously.
I have been doing cabinetry for a little over ten years now and have done it independently for a little over seven years. Not bad for someone who has commitment issues. I have always had a hard time finding joy in my work and staying in one place for more than a couple of years. I got into cabinetry after I realized that I didn't want to spend countless hours in front of a computer doing architectural design. Being and Architect was something that I always thought that I wanted to do, but I'm more of a hands on kind of guy and I really found an interest in building custom cabinetry. This gave me the opportunity to continue designing and actually creating something in the residential field. I have really enjoyed the past ten years but find I would rather do it on my own terms and as a hobby now.
So what next? I really don't know. I have been doing some self evaluation and I have come to a conclusion that I am a wild spirit. I think God makes a lot of us like that. Why should we all be in one place for long periods of time? What's the point in it if you're really not happy? At least that's how I feel. I am discovering that I am passionate about a lot of things and life is short. As long as I'm given another day to breathe, I will continue to explore what I am capable of doing.
When I was a kid, I always thought it would be cool to run a pizzeria. Being Italian could be a huge advantage in that market. I have also been thinking about constants in my life. I have been an exercise nut for over twenty years now. I have always considered following a career in personal fitness instruction. Recently, I have started to train in Muay Thai and that could be an addition to fitness training. Another huge side of me is serving. I love serving people and would like a chance at doing something with my church that could impact people's lives just by serving them. So many opportunities, such little time.
So for now, I will continue to pray for guidance. Ultimately I just want to do what God has planned for me. In Him, all things are possible. Without Him, all are truly LOST.
I have been doing cabinetry for a little over ten years now and have done it independently for a little over seven years. Not bad for someone who has commitment issues. I have always had a hard time finding joy in my work and staying in one place for more than a couple of years. I got into cabinetry after I realized that I didn't want to spend countless hours in front of a computer doing architectural design. Being and Architect was something that I always thought that I wanted to do, but I'm more of a hands on kind of guy and I really found an interest in building custom cabinetry. This gave me the opportunity to continue designing and actually creating something in the residential field. I have really enjoyed the past ten years but find I would rather do it on my own terms and as a hobby now.
So what next? I really don't know. I have been doing some self evaluation and I have come to a conclusion that I am a wild spirit. I think God makes a lot of us like that. Why should we all be in one place for long periods of time? What's the point in it if you're really not happy? At least that's how I feel. I am discovering that I am passionate about a lot of things and life is short. As long as I'm given another day to breathe, I will continue to explore what I am capable of doing.
When I was a kid, I always thought it would be cool to run a pizzeria. Being Italian could be a huge advantage in that market. I have also been thinking about constants in my life. I have been an exercise nut for over twenty years now. I have always considered following a career in personal fitness instruction. Recently, I have started to train in Muay Thai and that could be an addition to fitness training. Another huge side of me is serving. I love serving people and would like a chance at doing something with my church that could impact people's lives just by serving them. So many opportunities, such little time.
So for now, I will continue to pray for guidance. Ultimately I just want to do what God has planned for me. In Him, all things are possible. Without Him, all are truly LOST.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Our Kingdom, or His?
When you hear the word kingdom, what is the first thing that comes to mind? Do you think of castles, knights, and dragons? The word kingdom is defined as: 1)a political or territorial unit ruled by a sovereign; 2)the eternal spiritual sovereignty of God; 3)a realm or sphere of which one thing is dominant.
I was sitting and thinking about the prayer "Our Father" the other day and what it means to me. The first few sentences say so much, and yet I still struggle so hard to put them into practice.
I was sitting and thinking about the prayer "Our Father" the other day and what it means to me. The first few sentences say so much, and yet I still struggle so hard to put them into practice.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done.
On earth as it is in Heaven.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done.
On earth as it is in Heaven.
What so many don't realize is, that it's here. God's kingdom is alive and at work whether we want to be a part of it or not. The challenge is, "How do we recognize it"? For me, it became so painfully obvious for what seems like the hundredth time.
If you've been following this blog, or if you're a friend of mine, you know that our house is up for sale. We have been on the market now for about three months. There has been no action. I have struggled with God's timing in all of this and found myself doubting Him quite often. I know that we are to be patient and trust His plans for us but that's hard. Giving up control is hard. So, like the human that I am, I try to control things. I know God is almighty. His knowledge is infinite. So how does a child act when he wants something from his father? He tries to win his favor. He does things that makes he father happy and proud of him in order to get something from him. I found myself doing random acts of kindness, getting into the Word, praying and worshiping more than I normally do....all things that I should be doing anyway. But this time I caught myself doing them to gain favor. I have listened to my own prayers and I have heard myself trying to bargain with Him. And to top it off, I have been bragging to everyone that I know that I am doing this so God will sell my house quicker.
That's not really glorifying God, it's putting Him in a box. It's using Him to get what I want. It's making His kingdom work for my kingdom. All of a sudden I have a kingdom. One without knights or dragons or even a king. Just this big empty castle that I am trying to sell. My kingdom?
So where do I go from here? How do I dethrone myself and give all authority and honor to the One true King? I think I just keep doing what I am doing, but without the ulterior motives. I will keep serving selflessly. I will stay in the Word. I will praise and worship Him, for He is worthy. I will keep growing and struggling and failing. For it's in that failure that I truly learn something about myself. I have to let His will be done through the work of His kingdom that He has placed on earth. I have to realize that we are not the only way to Jesus, and sometimes the best thing to do is just get out of His way.
So, what kingdoms have you built up? How have you placed God in a box? How do you make Him work for you instead of through you?
What this world needs is not to have so many kingdoms in place. It just needs to let our Father be in control and let His kingdom reign.
If you've been following this blog, or if you're a friend of mine, you know that our house is up for sale. We have been on the market now for about three months. There has been no action. I have struggled with God's timing in all of this and found myself doubting Him quite often. I know that we are to be patient and trust His plans for us but that's hard. Giving up control is hard. So, like the human that I am, I try to control things. I know God is almighty. His knowledge is infinite. So how does a child act when he wants something from his father? He tries to win his favor. He does things that makes he father happy and proud of him in order to get something from him. I found myself doing random acts of kindness, getting into the Word, praying and worshiping more than I normally do....all things that I should be doing anyway. But this time I caught myself doing them to gain favor. I have listened to my own prayers and I have heard myself trying to bargain with Him. And to top it off, I have been bragging to everyone that I know that I am doing this so God will sell my house quicker.
That's not really glorifying God, it's putting Him in a box. It's using Him to get what I want. It's making His kingdom work for my kingdom. All of a sudden I have a kingdom. One without knights or dragons or even a king. Just this big empty castle that I am trying to sell. My kingdom?
So where do I go from here? How do I dethrone myself and give all authority and honor to the One true King? I think I just keep doing what I am doing, but without the ulterior motives. I will keep serving selflessly. I will stay in the Word. I will praise and worship Him, for He is worthy. I will keep growing and struggling and failing. For it's in that failure that I truly learn something about myself. I have to let His will be done through the work of His kingdom that He has placed on earth. I have to realize that we are not the only way to Jesus, and sometimes the best thing to do is just get out of His way.
So, what kingdoms have you built up? How have you placed God in a box? How do you make Him work for you instead of through you?
What this world needs is not to have so many kingdoms in place. It just needs to let our Father be in control and let His kingdom reign.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Prayer
I spend a good fifty percent of my day praying to Jesus (GOD). Everybody should. But prayer isn't just talking to HIM, it's getting alone and listening as well. If you dedicate some serious quiet time to HIM, HE will speak to you. HE desires to have time with us, so don't expect it to be a "five minutes and I'm done" conversation. The longer you wait, the more your heart will receive. I try to spend about an hour every morning to have quiet time with God. I read HIS word and then I pray and listen. Lately, I have been inspired to share some of my prayers so I simply will. I have been reading Proverbs in search of wisdom. Last night my men's group and I were having a discussion about Solomon and all of his wisdom. Solomon was the richest and smartest man alive to date. But with all of wisdom came great despair. Everything became meaningless to him because he had too much and he knew too much. So my prayer today is for clarity:
Hey God, it's me. I was just sitting here thinking about all of my blessings. Not just the material stuff, but stuff like family, friends, community and even the air I breathe. They are all gifts from You Lord. Father, my life has spun out of control lately with lies and false idols. I have chased money and put it before You. I am sorry. I Love You more than anything, and yet I let the lies tell me that I am not satisfied . . . that I have to have more. I have a lot of crap. Nice home, two awesome cars, multiple TV's, rooms of furniture, clothes, food, beer, etc... I know that You have been working on me since my trip to Honduras. Peeling layers of crust away from me so very delicately with Your scalpel. I am thankful for this. Last night when we read about this dude named Solomon, I compared myself to him. I thought about how some things became meaningless once I gained them. I saw the voids in my life from putting those things before You. Even the gain of too much wisdom can become meaningless, especially if it doesn't honor You, Father. So I am asking for clarity. Help me to see and receive what You want me to gather from Proverbs. Help me to hear Your voice clearly throughout the day. Help me to be the man You NEED me to be. I Love you Papa! Thank You for Loving us so much. Thank You for all of the blessings in my life. Thank You for the Cross and all of the work that You have done for us. Thank You for Your patience and grace.
In Jesus name, Amen.
That's my prayer for now.
Peace!
Hey God, it's me. I was just sitting here thinking about all of my blessings. Not just the material stuff, but stuff like family, friends, community and even the air I breathe. They are all gifts from You Lord. Father, my life has spun out of control lately with lies and false idols. I have chased money and put it before You. I am sorry. I Love You more than anything, and yet I let the lies tell me that I am not satisfied . . . that I have to have more. I have a lot of crap. Nice home, two awesome cars, multiple TV's, rooms of furniture, clothes, food, beer, etc... I know that You have been working on me since my trip to Honduras. Peeling layers of crust away from me so very delicately with Your scalpel. I am thankful for this. Last night when we read about this dude named Solomon, I compared myself to him. I thought about how some things became meaningless once I gained them. I saw the voids in my life from putting those things before You. Even the gain of too much wisdom can become meaningless, especially if it doesn't honor You, Father. So I am asking for clarity. Help me to see and receive what You want me to gather from Proverbs. Help me to hear Your voice clearly throughout the day. Help me to be the man You NEED me to be. I Love you Papa! Thank You for Loving us so much. Thank You for all of the blessings in my life. Thank You for the Cross and all of the work that You have done for us. Thank You for Your patience and grace.
In Jesus name, Amen.
That's my prayer for now.
Peace!
Monday, September 14, 2009
The American Dream? (Blog)
So I'm going through my hundreds of channels of nothing last night, provided by Time Warner Cable, and I come across the new reality show "Shark Tank". I really can't stand reality shows and when this one previewed, I told myself that I definitely don't want to watch one with a bunch of self made millionaires flaunting their money and criticism to destroy peoples hopes of them investing in their businesses. What I saw disgusted me and immediately reminded me why I wanted to avoid watching this show. Check out the video that I downloaded and posted above of last nights episode.
Kimberly is the lady with a sports bra company. She is trying to convince this panel of five gentleman why they should invest in her company. After she gives her presentation, they each take a turn in giving criticism on why or why not her company will succeed. Then they say "I'm in" or "I'm out" of making her an offer. All of them bail on her, but it's Kevin's (bald white guy) response that really hit me to the core. He basically called Kimberly a "nothing" and "a waste of time". He made her out to be a failure and chose humiliation to call her out. After he chops her down, the rest of the panel suggests that he was a little out of line except for Robert (distinguished guy with hair). Robert totally disagrees with how Kevin handled the situation. They argue, and towards the end of the argument Kevin blurts out "Life is hard, and then you die", and is convinced that everybody is in this boat with him. Wow....what a shallow pathetic excuse of a man. A man who puts all of his trust and security in his money. A man who obviously does not know God. A man who is going down big time and wants to take as many as he can with him. Is this really the American Dream? Is this what it's all about? Why does business have to be about chewing people up and spitting them out just to make a few bucks? What gets me the most is that there are millions of people who are just like him, and some idiot thought it would be a good idea to produce a show about them. And then there are idiots like me who actually watch this crap. That was the only time I will watch this show and it was just out of pure curiosity and boredom.
The ironic thing about this is the timing. I have been blogging lately about how I'm trying to simplify my life (family included). All of my life, I thought that that is what we are supposed to strive for. I thought that money is what made a man. My family was poor when I was a kid (by income standards) and I was determined to never be that way again. I tried hard to do the right things that would land me in corporate America. I went into the military, used the GI Bill to get an education, got a degree in architecture, worked for an architect, married a smart and successful woman, and before we knew it, we were making tons of money. Then I met God. Things started to change, but I still pursued money and all of it's luxuries. I was lying to myself. I was telling myself that God doesn't care if we have nice stuff. Truth is, I don't think He does, unless it interferes with our relationship with Him. So then I played the game of trying to honor Him with it. But that didn't work because I was only saying it and not being about it. Then He calls me on this mission trip to Honduras. My eyes were open all this time, but I was closing my heart to Him. I was denying Him. In Honduras, He got through to me. He told me that I need to get rid of this excessive stuff (house, cars, nice things....). He wants me to get back to my roots. I don't have to be poor again, but I don't have to trust in my money as much either.
So now we are trying to sell our house in this unforgiving market. We are putting all of our trust in God to be in control of this, or at least trying to. It's very hard to totally trust Him. I feel a huge burden of putting my family in this situation and this neighborhood. I detest where we live with all of my heart. At first, I was dangerously proud of where we live, and now I am embarrassed to have friends visit. This house and community is not us. I have been thinking of our first house with all of it's outdated wall paper. The rooms were cramped but cozy. The neighborhood was nice and the neighbors actually came out and talked almost every evening. I miss that. I want so desperately to get us back to that.
I went to bed last night thinking about that stupid TV show. Maybe that Kevin guy actually did do Kimberly a favor. Maybe her business will fail miserably. Maybe she will pull completely out and not get caught up in the lie of chasing money. Maybe, if she hasn't already, she will find God and with that find real happiness. I'm not saying that you shouldn't pursue your passions, I'm just suggesting that the motive should be checked. Maybe her life will be a little easier, versus what the weasel Kevin said "Life is hard, and then you die" (If it's so hard, why does he choose to accept it that way anyway?). Then again, maybe her business will succeed and maybe she will lose herself. Maybe that is the American Dream. My dream has been to simplify. I dream of standing before God and asking Him if I did o.k. with what I had. My American dream is to love and serve my community to my best ability, and to do what Jesus would do. What's your American Dream?
Kimberly is the lady with a sports bra company. She is trying to convince this panel of five gentleman why they should invest in her company. After she gives her presentation, they each take a turn in giving criticism on why or why not her company will succeed. Then they say "I'm in" or "I'm out" of making her an offer. All of them bail on her, but it's Kevin's (bald white guy) response that really hit me to the core. He basically called Kimberly a "nothing" and "a waste of time". He made her out to be a failure and chose humiliation to call her out. After he chops her down, the rest of the panel suggests that he was a little out of line except for Robert (distinguished guy with hair). Robert totally disagrees with how Kevin handled the situation. They argue, and towards the end of the argument Kevin blurts out "Life is hard, and then you die", and is convinced that everybody is in this boat with him. Wow....what a shallow pathetic excuse of a man. A man who puts all of his trust and security in his money. A man who obviously does not know God. A man who is going down big time and wants to take as many as he can with him. Is this really the American Dream? Is this what it's all about? Why does business have to be about chewing people up and spitting them out just to make a few bucks? What gets me the most is that there are millions of people who are just like him, and some idiot thought it would be a good idea to produce a show about them. And then there are idiots like me who actually watch this crap. That was the only time I will watch this show and it was just out of pure curiosity and boredom.
The ironic thing about this is the timing. I have been blogging lately about how I'm trying to simplify my life (family included). All of my life, I thought that that is what we are supposed to strive for. I thought that money is what made a man. My family was poor when I was a kid (by income standards) and I was determined to never be that way again. I tried hard to do the right things that would land me in corporate America. I went into the military, used the GI Bill to get an education, got a degree in architecture, worked for an architect, married a smart and successful woman, and before we knew it, we were making tons of money. Then I met God. Things started to change, but I still pursued money and all of it's luxuries. I was lying to myself. I was telling myself that God doesn't care if we have nice stuff. Truth is, I don't think He does, unless it interferes with our relationship with Him. So then I played the game of trying to honor Him with it. But that didn't work because I was only saying it and not being about it. Then He calls me on this mission trip to Honduras. My eyes were open all this time, but I was closing my heart to Him. I was denying Him. In Honduras, He got through to me. He told me that I need to get rid of this excessive stuff (house, cars, nice things....). He wants me to get back to my roots. I don't have to be poor again, but I don't have to trust in my money as much either.
So now we are trying to sell our house in this unforgiving market. We are putting all of our trust in God to be in control of this, or at least trying to. It's very hard to totally trust Him. I feel a huge burden of putting my family in this situation and this neighborhood. I detest where we live with all of my heart. At first, I was dangerously proud of where we live, and now I am embarrassed to have friends visit. This house and community is not us. I have been thinking of our first house with all of it's outdated wall paper. The rooms were cramped but cozy. The neighborhood was nice and the neighbors actually came out and talked almost every evening. I miss that. I want so desperately to get us back to that.
I went to bed last night thinking about that stupid TV show. Maybe that Kevin guy actually did do Kimberly a favor. Maybe her business will fail miserably. Maybe she will pull completely out and not get caught up in the lie of chasing money. Maybe, if she hasn't already, she will find God and with that find real happiness. I'm not saying that you shouldn't pursue your passions, I'm just suggesting that the motive should be checked. Maybe her life will be a little easier, versus what the weasel Kevin said "Life is hard, and then you die" (If it's so hard, why does he choose to accept it that way anyway?). Then again, maybe her business will succeed and maybe she will lose herself. Maybe that is the American Dream. My dream has been to simplify. I dream of standing before God and asking Him if I did o.k. with what I had. My American dream is to love and serve my community to my best ability, and to do what Jesus would do. What's your American Dream?
Monday, September 7, 2009
Who Am I...Really?
Who is the real you? Are you the same version of you as yesterday...last week...last month...a year ago? Have you evolved into something or someone totally different than when you were a just a kid? I think we all make changes as we grow. We adapt to our circumstances and our lifestyles. But what I want to know is "who is the true you"? This is something I've been asking myself over the past several weeks.
We are doing this series at church called "A Look In The Mirror" and it has challenged this question of who I really am. I know that my name is Nicholas Carlos Calcara. I was born in Columbus, Ohio. I have one brother and no sisters. I had a pretty normal childhood. I listened to "Big Hair" rock music for most of the 80's. I never did drugs or even drank alcohol. I never really partied or hung out with the crowds that did. I had dreams and goals of what I thought I wanted to be when I grew older. I graduated from high school in 1988. Sounds pretty normal...right?
In July of 1989, I entered the United States Air Force. It was there that I thought I discovered myself. Yes, the Air Force shaped me into much of the man that I am today, but something else happened there. I became somebody. I struggled with fitting in when I was a kid because I didn't where the nice clothes, or do the drugs, or any of the other nonsense that went on in high school. I had acne, crooked teeth, and nappy hair. I had no self confidence. I was just floating through life. That field was leveled for me in the military. We were stripped of our former identities to become "one". Our heads were shaved. We all had the same clothes. We all had one mission and that was to graduate basic training. And in order to do that, we had to do it as a team. I FIT IN!
I was accepted. I had brothers. I was a warrior.
After all of the training was completed, I was sent to Albuquerque, New Mexico, where I lived for the next four years working in my career. I had friends that were from all over the U.S. They were different colors, had different back grounds, and different beliefs. I think that is where it began for me. I started to change myself to be more like the guys that I wanted to be friends with. For the black guys, I listened to the music that they listened to and I talked the way they did. For the athletic guys, I started lifting weights and hung out with them to gain insight on their strengths. And pretty much all of the guys were "players" so I tried to be that as well. Still not much luck with the girls though, somehow they could always see right through me. The sad truth for me though, is that I acquired a bunch of false identities just to fit in.
In the fall of '93, I met Ann Lauer who is now my wife of fourteen years. We got married in '95. In 1998 we had our first child, our second in 2001, and our third in 2003. Somewhere in that mix we moved three or four times, I got a college degree, Ann established herself in two careers and we found Jesus. I'm sure a lot more happened over the past 16 years, but you get the picture. Life goes by quick. Somehow, we manage to lose ourselves. Plans and dreams get changed. We sacrifice ourselves for our spouses, kids, friends, careers and our temporary materialistic wants. We become something or someone totally opposite of what we wanted to be.
This summer, I downloaded some of my favorite rock songs from the 80's. I have been listening to the words and I am amazed at how a lot of my favorite songs from back then were cries for God.
So I've decided to listen some other secular music that is more current and up to date...same thing...people searching for Him. This music has been appealing to that inner warrior that is still part of me and calling it out. I love Christian music and listen to it for the most part, but I also remember that the rock music is a big part of who I was growing up. I threw it all away because I didn't think that it would fit in with my new "Godly" lifestyle. My point is, God loved me for who I was back then so why should I have to thrown away that part of me just to follow Him? I think He was only asking me to get rid of the junk that didn't glorify Him.
Remember that part I mentioned about discovering that "warrior self" when I was in the military? Somehow that got swept under the carpet over the years. I have blogged before about the Men's Group that I am in and our quest for our warrior hearts. That quest has been an incredible but hard journey. A lot of crap is being sorted through and called out. A lot of lies about who we are as men are being questioned. We are discovering God and we are discovering our true identities. Identities that we once had or began to establish when we younger. Lately, I have been feeling like that warrior that I once was in my military days. The false images that I have worn over the years, just to impress or gain friends, are being stripped away. The real me is coming back out. Nothing can change my love or purpose for God, but I have realized that it is important to celebrate and enjoy the things that have shaped me into the man that I am.
Growing up, I enjoyed watching boxing. I always wanted to be a boxer and I loved "ROCKY". I need to mention that I was pretty scrawny and had no self confidence back then. This hindered me from playing sports. I got picked on a lot but avoided confrontation because I was afraid to fight. I'm not saying that fighting would have been o.k., but I should have been able to stand up for myself. I am letting go of that lie and letting that warrior out. I am taking Muay Thai and boxing lessons. I love it. I hope to learn how to grapple soon and I am looking forward to sparring with someone. This has been a huge freedom for me. Something that I have been holding back for a lot of years. It is a huge part of my identity.
I am still Nicholas Calcara. I live in Cincinnati, Ohio. I am a husband to a beautiful and intelligent wife. I have three wonderful kids. I am a son of God and He loves me as I am. I am accepted. I have purpose. I am a fighter and a warrior for Christ. I am a man chiseled in His image. I am looking in the mirror, and I can see me.
So, who are you...really? What are you holding back? What false image/s have you acquired? What or who do you see when you look in the mirror?
We are doing this series at church called "A Look In The Mirror" and it has challenged this question of who I really am. I know that my name is Nicholas Carlos Calcara. I was born in Columbus, Ohio. I have one brother and no sisters. I had a pretty normal childhood. I listened to "Big Hair" rock music for most of the 80's. I never did drugs or even drank alcohol. I never really partied or hung out with the crowds that did. I had dreams and goals of what I thought I wanted to be when I grew older. I graduated from high school in 1988. Sounds pretty normal...right?
In July of 1989, I entered the United States Air Force. It was there that I thought I discovered myself. Yes, the Air Force shaped me into much of the man that I am today, but something else happened there. I became somebody. I struggled with fitting in when I was a kid because I didn't where the nice clothes, or do the drugs, or any of the other nonsense that went on in high school. I had acne, crooked teeth, and nappy hair. I had no self confidence. I was just floating through life. That field was leveled for me in the military. We were stripped of our former identities to become "one". Our heads were shaved. We all had the same clothes. We all had one mission and that was to graduate basic training. And in order to do that, we had to do it as a team. I FIT IN!
I was accepted. I had brothers. I was a warrior.
After all of the training was completed, I was sent to Albuquerque, New Mexico, where I lived for the next four years working in my career. I had friends that were from all over the U.S. They were different colors, had different back grounds, and different beliefs. I think that is where it began for me. I started to change myself to be more like the guys that I wanted to be friends with. For the black guys, I listened to the music that they listened to and I talked the way they did. For the athletic guys, I started lifting weights and hung out with them to gain insight on their strengths. And pretty much all of the guys were "players" so I tried to be that as well. Still not much luck with the girls though, somehow they could always see right through me. The sad truth for me though, is that I acquired a bunch of false identities just to fit in.
In the fall of '93, I met Ann Lauer who is now my wife of fourteen years. We got married in '95. In 1998 we had our first child, our second in 2001, and our third in 2003. Somewhere in that mix we moved three or four times, I got a college degree, Ann established herself in two careers and we found Jesus. I'm sure a lot more happened over the past 16 years, but you get the picture. Life goes by quick. Somehow, we manage to lose ourselves. Plans and dreams get changed. We sacrifice ourselves for our spouses, kids, friends, careers and our temporary materialistic wants. We become something or someone totally opposite of what we wanted to be.
This summer, I downloaded some of my favorite rock songs from the 80's. I have been listening to the words and I am amazed at how a lot of my favorite songs from back then were cries for God.
So I've decided to listen some other secular music that is more current and up to date...same thing...people searching for Him. This music has been appealing to that inner warrior that is still part of me and calling it out. I love Christian music and listen to it for the most part, but I also remember that the rock music is a big part of who I was growing up. I threw it all away because I didn't think that it would fit in with my new "Godly" lifestyle. My point is, God loved me for who I was back then so why should I have to thrown away that part of me just to follow Him? I think He was only asking me to get rid of the junk that didn't glorify Him.
Remember that part I mentioned about discovering that "warrior self" when I was in the military? Somehow that got swept under the carpet over the years. I have blogged before about the Men's Group that I am in and our quest for our warrior hearts. That quest has been an incredible but hard journey. A lot of crap is being sorted through and called out. A lot of lies about who we are as men are being questioned. We are discovering God and we are discovering our true identities. Identities that we once had or began to establish when we younger. Lately, I have been feeling like that warrior that I once was in my military days. The false images that I have worn over the years, just to impress or gain friends, are being stripped away. The real me is coming back out. Nothing can change my love or purpose for God, but I have realized that it is important to celebrate and enjoy the things that have shaped me into the man that I am.
Growing up, I enjoyed watching boxing. I always wanted to be a boxer and I loved "ROCKY". I need to mention that I was pretty scrawny and had no self confidence back then. This hindered me from playing sports. I got picked on a lot but avoided confrontation because I was afraid to fight. I'm not saying that fighting would have been o.k., but I should have been able to stand up for myself. I am letting go of that lie and letting that warrior out. I am taking Muay Thai and boxing lessons. I love it. I hope to learn how to grapple soon and I am looking forward to sparring with someone. This has been a huge freedom for me. Something that I have been holding back for a lot of years. It is a huge part of my identity.
I am still Nicholas Calcara. I live in Cincinnati, Ohio. I am a husband to a beautiful and intelligent wife. I have three wonderful kids. I am a son of God and He loves me as I am. I am accepted. I have purpose. I am a fighter and a warrior for Christ. I am a man chiseled in His image. I am looking in the mirror, and I can see me.
So, who are you...really? What are you holding back? What false image/s have you acquired? What or who do you see when you look in the mirror?
Saturday, September 5, 2009
INKED
When I was a kid I used to think that tattoos were demonic. Probably because every time I saw one, it was hellish looking and I would usually see them on big, tough guys. I probably thought they were pretty painful too. Over the years, I've grown to admire some of the artwork that was put into them and the stories behind them. I like tattoos that have meaning, not the ones that somebody gets out of drunken stupidity. Of course, there were the rumors that if you get a tattoo, you will go to hell because you are desecrating your body. I think God cares more about your heart than what is on your skin!! That being said, I decided to do it. I drew up a design myself and took it to a highly referred artist. His name is Kevin Combs and he works at a shop in Hamilton Ohio called Skin Addiction. I've seen his work on many of my friends and I know it well. As I sat in the chair for three and a half hours, letting Kevin ink up my skin, I realized that this guy was not just some drifter who just ended up as a tattoo artist. He is truly unique, he has a great story to tell, and he is God's son. I enjoyed every minute that I sat there talking to Kevin (except for when my butt kept falling asleep). There was not much pain involved. The lower part of the arm mostly tickled. The upper part of the shoulder felt like an annoying pinch and got pretty irritated by the time he finished with the color. Kevin asked me when I would be back for my second. I don't think I'm the kind of guy that will get multiple tattoos, but you never know.
This is the rendering that I drew up and took to Kevin.
The cross, of course, represents the price Jesus ultimately paid for us. The vine of thorns represents the pain he went through prior to the crucifixion. The tribal markings behind the cross stand for the warrior that Christ was. A warrior for Love! The two tribal marks at the bottom are souls dancing and rejoicing in HIM. And the Sun is God in all of his warmth, light, and glory watching over the cross.
This is my good friend Steve Nixon and his fiance Carol Whetstone after they got their tattoos by none other than...Kevin Combs (in the middle).
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