Revelation & Resolution

The thought of a fresh start is actually appealing to me. I'm not one to celebrate the new year, it's usually just another day to me. But this year, it's different. I am so glad that 2009 is over. What I thought was a pretty good year ended in a train wreck.

I have been going through this painful process of self evaluation and I have also been receiving professional counseling to help me sort through some my issues. There are two big constants in my life that have done a lot of damage to me; control and pride. I have blogged about both, and thought that I have been doing a pretty good job of letting go of both. This is so hard to write about and share as well. I have been told that I am transparent, so I'm just going to put this out there to allow myself to be judged, or to be held accountable.

I am one of those guys who thought everything is fine in my life. I thought that I was being a good dad. I thought that I had a pretty good relationship with my wife. I thought that, since I am a believer (in God), He would take care of everything and everything was going to be fine. On the eve of Thanksgiving, that all came to an end. My wife and I had an argument that revealed a lot of damage that I have done. I'm not going to go into any details of that damage because it's personal to me and my wife. I will say that I have been hurting her for years and I didn't even realize it. I have turned her off and denied her when just needed someone to talk to. I have criticized and ridiculed her appearance. I have given her my suggestions as to how she should fix her life. If none of this is controlling or prideful, then what is?

So, I am laying there alone on my bed on that Thanksgiving eve, giving God a piece of my mind. Asking Him to reveal what the heck I did that was so wrong. I hear Him say "Get counseling", but in my pride I say that I'm not the one who needs help. I hear it again "Get counseling". I don't even know what I am supposed to request counsel for. After hearing it for a third time, I get up and send a message to counselor to set up a date. I have been seeing him now for two months, and already I am . . . , well, there are a lot of words that describe how I am. One is, ashamed. I am ashamed at who I have become. I am ashamed at the hurt that I have caused people. I am sorry!

Ephesians 5:25-30 says: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds it and cares for it, just as Christ does the church - for we are members of His body. This verse has stood out to me so clearly over the past couple of weeks. I have not been loving my wife unconditionally. I have not been loving her the way that Christ loves church. I have put limits and conditions on what I give or receive. I have failed to be the man that I promised to be when we said our vows.

On this day, the first of 2010, I am committing to continue receiving counsel. I am allowing God to tap in and remove the control and pride, and it hurts. I am vowing to love my wife unconditionally. I am seeking God's wisdom in every aspect of my life. I am going to fall short, and say and do stupid things, but I am requesting that God convicts me immediately. I don't know how long this process will last, but hopefully, at the end of this year I can say that it has been a good year. Hopefully, at the end of 2010, my bride of fifteen years will still be with me; and she will feel loved.