What can I say about rage? It is the work of the enemy. It is a state of mind that will take your focus off of God, and the work that He is doing in your life.
If it were not by the Grace of God, I would be in jail right now. Let me explain. This morning I gave in to my anger and allowed rage to intervene. I purposely ran someone off of the road after they cut me off. That is one count of vehicular assault, and is punishable by arrest and a large fine. For some reason, the guy chose not to press charges and he let me go. The end result, I was ticketed for improper lane change and wreck-less operation.
Allow me to go even deeper. Ten years ago, this was normal behavior for me. I was a road-rage-aholic. I have tried so hard over the years, to identify this rage, and to not react with it in confrontation. I believe the power of prayer was my main remedy for not having road rage over the last several years. I also believe in spiritual warfare, and if satan can't get to you one way, he will keep trying until he does. Today, that button was pushed. Honestly, I have felt it creeping up on me for the past couple of months. I once blogged about my struggle with pornography. I have felt that temptation the past couple of days. I did not give in. Then this happens. I feel blindsided. I thought that I had the road rage thing under control for good, to the point that I completely denied it, but I guess I was wrong. None the less, it is no excuse for my behavior. Everybody has a choice to make. I should have chosen to let this guy go; God expected that of me.
No damage was done to my vehicle, and the other guys car got a dent and a broken mirror. I was not hurt, not physically anyway. The other guy reported that he bumped his head and broke his thumb. The only thing he said to me was that he is going to sue me. I don't know how that will play out, and that is already creating a lot of worry and stress in me.
I am very upset with myself right now. I don't like who I was today. I know that God has forgiven me, but I can't forgive myself right now. I am struggling so hard with posting this blog, because I am fearing that everyone will judge me. As if I don't deserve it anyway.
While I was waiting for the police officer to file his report, I picked up my Bible and started to read. I don't remember exactly what scripture that I was reading because I was very disoriented and confused. So I started to pray for forgiveness. Maybe God heard this, and spoke to the other guys heart and convinced him to let me go. At the end of all of it, I began to drive away, but had to stop because I was very upset. I pulled into a parking lot and sat there, and I began to pray again. I don't know if this was a sign, but a white dove (or pigeon) began to hover around my car. I think it was God watching over me. How many single white birds fly around in Cincinnati? Whatever it was, it comforted me.
I just want to say to all who truly know me, that I am sorry. And please forgive me if I am quiet over the next couple of days. I will try not to isolate myself, or get too depressed, but I just need some time to evaluate this. I need some time alone with my Father. Again, I am sorry.
1 comment:
Well that was dumb Nick! Don't do it again. There, I said what you were afraid of. We've all done dumb crap like that in our lives. Things we're not proud of or things we don't want anyone to know about. God's got grace coming out of His ears for us though, and not only that, but in Romans 8 He promises to work out our mistakes for good.
Just be sure not to live in "woe is me" land. God can't do much with that, but He can dust us off and give us another chance over and over again...and He expects greatness out of us. Don't think for a second that He thinks you'll blow it again somehow...that's Satan's job.
Paul said, "why do I do the things I don't want to do?" - It's a struggle, but there's progress.
Nothing you could ever do can make God love you any less. Don't forget it.
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