Disgust

I have been reading "The Outward Focused Life" by Dave Workman for a second time now. The first time I read it, I pretty much just hurried through it and allowed most of the lessons and words bounce off of me. The words are penetrating now. The lessons in being outward focused and of serving have left me feeling convicted and disgusted with myself.
I have been on a journey of rediscovering who I am and why God designed me for a year now. It has been a year of transformation and painful realization. I used to be "outward focused". I used to love going to Saturday morning outreaches that The Vineyard would host. But somehow I got caught up in the rat race of self indulgence and forgot about serving others.
In one of his analogies, Dave Workman writes, "The Bible is very clear on this - and frankly, I think most of us are a little uncomfortable with it - that we exist for God's pleasure, God's purposes, not ours. That's why He made us. That's pretty humbling when you think about it". The more that I try to enjoy life on my terms, the less pleasure that I have had with my own existence. I'm not saying that God doesn't want us to enjoy life. I'm merely stating that He wants to be a part of it.
I sit in a $500,000 plus home, surrounded by high-end gadgets and comforted by luxuries and technology that I never would have fathomed as a young man. I am disgusted by all of it for the most part. My trip to Honduras was an eye opening and soul shattering experience. Serving the people of that country and being served by them was an experience that I will never forget. It's funny how easy it was to accumulate all of this stuff and now we can't sell any of it for what it was worth. I wake up every day, wondering if this is the day that God will deliver us from this. Wondering if I'm ready to really simplify my life and get back to serving. Waiting on God is one of the most humbling lessons one can endure. But maybe our waiting on Him is nothing compared to how long that He has waited on us.
I have actually developed a fear of serving or doing a small act of kindness. I used to take the kids to McDonald's (a lot) and I would occasionally hand the cashier a card that says "God Loves You" and ask him or her to pay for the car behind me and then hand them that card when they pull up to pay. It was an invigorating experience and I swear I could actually feel my heart grow. Recently, I have placed a stack of those cards in my truck and have told myself that when ever I go through a drive thru, I would pay for some one's meal. I have been to McDonald's three times now and have chickened out every single time. I found myself looking in my rear view mirror, studying the person behind me. What kind of car do they have? Is it beat up or new? Do they look poor or wealthy? Will they judge me? Does it even matter? As if it's my place to judge who is worthy of God's Love or not. Again, I am disgusted with myself and my lack of courage or love.
I will get back to where I used to be, and at the same time I will continue to grow into who I am destined to be. Our God is a Great God and his patience for me is comforting. In the words, "His Kingdom Come, His Will Be Done", is the goal that we should all set for ourselves.

Peace!