MONSTER

I have been out of sorts lately. My counselor started a new exercise with me a couple of weeks ago, one that would challenge me to think of my past abusiveness. This is not easy. Thinking of people that I have intentionally hurt and how I hurt them is a difficult task. And to top it all off, throw in the effect that pornography has wreaked in my life as well.

I feel like dirt. I feel like a MONSTER!

I guess this has to be done though. The old me has to be exposed to the fullest in order to discover the new me. As I dive into this journey, I am first and foremost praying that God keeps me humble. I am asking for a lot of grace. Not only from God, but from my readers (all 8 of you) as well. And of course, forgiveness will be required on all parts.

That being said; Mike Huddy is a good friend of mine, or at least he was. I grew up with this guy since the 5th grade. We did everything together: we were both artistic, had the same taste in bikes and cars, same taste in music and we were both kinda clumsy outcasts. When there was nothing to do, we just hung out. We were best buddies. Somewhere around the 7th or 8th grade changes started to occur. We each had other friends that we didn't care for. We also had enemies as well. Mike seemed to have a few more than me and it became easier for me to gain up on Mike with the kids who didn't like him. I did it to gain popularity with those kids so that they wouldn't pick on me. I did it at Mike's expense. At the time it didn't bother me. Mike always rolled with the punches and somehow our friendship remained. Looking back, I really don't know why Mike liked me so much. It seems like I was probably his worst enemy most of the time. Time goes on, kids grow up and go their separate ways and things get swept aside. I don't talk much to Mike anymore. I have lived in a different city than him for 21 years. I still chat with him every now and then on facebook (I call it wastebook), but that's about it. About a year ago, I said something really mean to him. I criticized his lifestyle and basically told him to grow up. That's not what a real friend says to another. I intended it to be entirely different. I still love the guy and was just concerned for him. But how I plan to say things and how I actually say them are two entirely different methods.
"Mike, I have a feeling you will be reading this. I hope you don't mind me putting you on the spot. I really feel bad about how I treated you. I know we are in different places in life now, but it would mean a lot to me if you would accept my deepest apology? I am sorry!"

Next up would be my parents. This is a really tough one. The two people in the world that I am supposed to honor the most. The two people that raised me despite all of the crappy circumstances that they lived through. My dad was a roofer and my mom stayed home. I remember food stamps and second hand clothes. I know that I loved my parents, but as I got older my respect for them grew thinner. My mom became an easy target for me to ridicule. Especially in front of my friends. I really don't know what I was thinking half of the time. I'm sure it didn't make me look as cool as I thought it did. I've always favored my dad probably because I feared him. Back then it was common to get a whooping or an ass beating when I did something wrong. As I grew into a teenager my opinions of them got worse. I separated myself from them as much as I could. Now, it's the separation that kills me. We live in Cincinnati, they still live in Columbus. I only see my parents once or twice a year. I miss them - deeply! I miss the conversations that my mom and I would have. I miss trying to make my old man proud of me. I miss seeing their faces. It hurts. I often think of the folk song "Cat's In The Cradle" by Harry Chapin. Life gets so busy and time gets away.
"Mom and Dad, I am sorry for ever being a troublesome teenager. I'm sorry for the insults and cheap shots. I am a lesser man for it. I hope you can accept my apology. I love you! You ARE both great parents".

My wife. My beautiful bride. I waited 23 years for God to bring her into my life. 23 years of scaring girls away with my looks or my falseness. 23 years of hiding the monster that I have become. I vowed that I would never hurt her. I vowed that I would love her unconditionally. I vowed that I would love and respect her, and I tried. I thought I was doing fine. Sure, we've had our ups and downs. Sure, I'm a man and I'm going to say and do stupid things. But what went wrong? Maybe the question should be: What was wrong? I was broken inside. I had a false image of what women should be. This is where the pornography comes in. All of those fake bodies and false acts of sex became my obsession. I was a virgin when I met my bride to be (except for a one night stand that didn't turn out to be much). But I was already damaged from years of viewing porn and I developed a false expectation of what women want. I thought of them as sex objects. And the funny thing is that I couldn't even get any sex, which made me disrespect girls even more so. I don't know why girls didn't like me very much when I was growing up (except for my ugliness and dorkiness), but they did. My fantasy world of porn never let me down. I brought all of that into my marriage. Everything seemed to be fine for the first couple of years. Our sex life was healthy and I managed to keep my porn addiction at bay. But then kids were born, lifestyles changed and bodies changed. I let my meanness resurface. I said abusive and disrespectful things, sometimes intentionally and sometimes unintentionally. My love for my wife became conditional. I hurt her and made her feel worthless and unwanted. I was at my lowest. I don't know why she still stands by me, but she does. She has always believed in me, even when I didn't. She has always modeled unconditional love for me and I didn't deserve it. She has forgiven me even when I can't forgive myself. She is Jesus on display. I am lucky to have her. I am blessed by her love. It doesn't come free though. There is a price. Boundaries have been set and trust has to be regained. Which leads to the here and now. I have been receiving counsel since November. I have made a lot of progress with my control issues, my pride, my stubbornness and selfishness. Dealing with my abusiveness and porn addiction is just the next step. I have allowed God to painfully chisel into my heart and perform His glorious transformation of me. It has been difficult and at times I have felt like giving up. But I still have some fight in me and I'm not done until the Good Lord says that I am.

I don't know if anybody actually reads this blog (outside of my friends), but if you do, and you are addicted to porn or any other destructive behavior . . . RUN! Get out of it as soon as possible. Find someone that you trust and that you can open up to. Get counseling from a Christian counselor. Seek help somehow. And pray! Ask God to help you with your addiction. Ask him to reveal the monster in your life. Once the monster is exposed, pray for transformation. I will be praying for you, because you are worthy.

Peace!