The Fight

Round One

Ephesians 1:11-12
In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of His glory. (He is in control!)

Round one revealed my biggest opponent. It was my control versus God. One of the hardest things about my trip to Honduras was the loss of my control. I knew this going into it, and it wasn’t a soft blow either. God straight up jabbed me with a knockout punch. He came straight for me and didn’t waste any time. I was barely out of my corner when He delivered the punch. It didn't take long for me to realize that I had absolutely no control over anything while on my mission trip, and that I was going to have to render myself to God and allow Him to be in control. I immediately knew that I was in the fight of my life and it was going to be a hard one.

I have controlled everything in my life. I think it is a result of being denied almost everything as a child and the independence I gained when I went into the military. Going from one extreme to the other was a pretty drastic change. I went from being a child at home under my parent’s law to being a free young man in the US Air Force. I still had rules that I had obey but I was in charge of myself. I had my own dorm room, my own car, purchased my own groceries and did my own laundry. I was in control of my own little world, and I liked it. It became a huge part of me. I became obsessive about everything that I did. Everything had to be perfect, which was also a quality that the military instilled in me.

As I matured through my military years, so did the need for my control. I became controlling over my friends. I chose favorites and tried to rule over those whom I felt were less important than me. I was pushy and I was a fake. I behaved differently around various ethnic and social groups to gain their friendship. If I couldn’t control them, I ridiculed them. I was my own worst enemy.

After four years of active duty, I separated and went back to civilian life in my hometown. Returning home felt good. Most of my friends were still there, doing the same old things as when I left. It felt like I had time warped four years into the future. I took a job as a maintenance man at a retirement home just as a means to earn some cash. I really had not planned anything as to what I was going to do upon my separation. I just took one day at a time and rolled with it. Then it happened. I met Ann Lauer. I fell in love and huge chunk of my world fell apart. I had never really been in love before but I was certain she was “The One”. I couldn’t eat for days and all I could think about was her. We talked on the phone for hours, mostly because she lived in Cincinnati and I in Columbus. She made me feel alive and wanted.

I soon realized that the woman I was in love with was a leader. She graduated top in her class from Ohio State, she was in management at Macy's (then Lazarus), and she had plans for her future. She was in control of her world. My world seemed insignificant compared to hers. I really had no plans, I separated from the one job that I loved, I had no college education and I was living with my parents working a crappy job. I felt inferior to her, but I was in love with her. So I packed up my stuff again and headed south for Cincy. The only thing that was important to me was being with Ann and I was willing to take a chance on love even if it meant starting over with nothing again. But how long would it be until my need for control would arise again? How long until I controlled the one that I loved the most? . . .