Bumper Sticker

This is a bumper sticker. At first glance, it sounds pretty cool. But really think about it. Are we really that proud that He is just the co-pilot? Do we really sit at the wheel as if we don't need His advice? As if we are saying: "Jesus, You sit there and look at the map. We I need Your help, I will ask for it." Shouldn't it be the other way around? I would rather He sat at the wheel and piloted me through my life. He is not a divine navigational system. He is not the "co-pilot" of anything. He is the Pilot. He is in charge! He already knows the direction and the outcome of my life. Jesus is a Humble Leader and He is willing to lead us from His thrown. If He is humble enough to actually lead us, then we should be humble enough to FOLLOW Him.

Jesus take the wheel!

Peace!

The Fight

Round One

Ephesians 1:11-12
In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of His glory. (He is in control!)

Round one revealed my biggest opponent. It was my control versus God. One of the hardest things about my trip to Honduras was the loss of my control. I knew this going into it, and it wasn’t a soft blow either. God straight up jabbed me with a knockout punch. He came straight for me and didn’t waste any time. I was barely out of my corner when He delivered the punch. It didn't take long for me to realize that I had absolutely no control over anything while on my mission trip, and that I was going to have to render myself to God and allow Him to be in control. I immediately knew that I was in the fight of my life and it was going to be a hard one.

I have controlled everything in my life. I think it is a result of being denied almost everything as a child and the independence I gained when I went into the military. Going from one extreme to the other was a pretty drastic change. I went from being a child at home under my parent’s law to being a free young man in the US Air Force. I still had rules that I had obey but I was in charge of myself. I had my own dorm room, my own car, purchased my own groceries and did my own laundry. I was in control of my own little world, and I liked it. It became a huge part of me. I became obsessive about everything that I did. Everything had to be perfect, which was also a quality that the military instilled in me.

As I matured through my military years, so did the need for my control. I became controlling over my friends. I chose favorites and tried to rule over those whom I felt were less important than me. I was pushy and I was a fake. I behaved differently around various ethnic and social groups to gain their friendship. If I couldn’t control them, I ridiculed them. I was my own worst enemy.

After four years of active duty, I separated and went back to civilian life in my hometown. Returning home felt good. Most of my friends were still there, doing the same old things as when I left. It felt like I had time warped four years into the future. I took a job as a maintenance man at a retirement home just as a means to earn some cash. I really had not planned anything as to what I was going to do upon my separation. I just took one day at a time and rolled with it. Then it happened. I met Ann Lauer. I fell in love and huge chunk of my world fell apart. I had never really been in love before but I was certain she was “The One”. I couldn’t eat for days and all I could think about was her. We talked on the phone for hours, mostly because she lived in Cincinnati and I in Columbus. She made me feel alive and wanted.

I soon realized that the woman I was in love with was a leader. She graduated top in her class from Ohio State, she was in management at Macy's (then Lazarus), and she had plans for her future. She was in control of her world. My world seemed insignificant compared to hers. I really had no plans, I separated from the one job that I loved, I had no college education and I was living with my parents working a crappy job. I felt inferior to her, but I was in love with her. So I packed up my stuff again and headed south for Cincy. The only thing that was important to me was being with Ann and I was willing to take a chance on love even if it meant starting over with nothing again. But how long would it be until my need for control would arise again? How long until I controlled the one that I loved the most? . . .

The Fight

Making of a Fighter

We all had our heroes when we were younger. Some of us chose Super Heroes, other’s looked up to law enforcement or firemen, and some of us wanted to be military heroes. My hero was Rocky Balboa. I remember jogging around my neighborhood in my sweat clothes and wearing a cross around my neck that was similar to the one Sylvester Stallone wore in ROCKY. I even went so far as to tell new friends that Sylvester was my uncle.

I always wanted to be a fighter, but I wasn’t exactly a right fit for the sport. First off, I was afraid of being hit, I only weighed 135 pounds as a senior in high school, and I was a four eyed geek. I didn’t fit the boxer mold at all, but I still loved the sport. I remember watching the greats: Ali, Foreman and of course no one will forget Mike Tyson. Those guys were all heroes by my definition.

It’s been years since those days. Boxers have come and gone, and sequels to the ROCKY saga have continued up to a couple of years ago. During that time, I have been through a lot of changes in my life. I served in the US Air Force for ten years, received a college degree in architectural engineering, got married, had three kids and even found Christ. The only sports I ever played were leisure ones. Backyard football was my favorite growing up, I power lifted in the military, played racquet ball occasionally, and I used to run a lot until my knees started hurting. I have never considered myself an athlete by any means. That all changed when a friend of mine invited me to go on a bike ride a couple of years ago. The ride was supposed to be ten miles out and ten miles back, I lasted about four miles. Not long after that, I entered into my first triathlon. The event was a six mile canoe, six mile run, eighth mile hill climb and eighteen mile bike ride. Let’s just say that I finished. I ride as much as I can now, on and off road, and enjoy the sport very much. But there was still something missing. Still a part of me waiting to be discovered.

It has been a year since I participated in a mission trip to Honduras. The guy who was leading us on the trip is an old school boxer and currently trains people in Muay Thai and kick boxing. We were introduced to some of the moves as part of our physical training to prepare us for the trip. I was immediately hooked, on the training that is. I approached our leader (Vinny) and asked him if I could continue training when we returned from Honduras. He gladly accepted. I jumped right into the training and it was no easy task. The physical part was not as challenging as the mental stuff. Trying to memorize all of the techniques is hard for someone who has never fought before. Just when things were finally starting to come to me, I had to back out. Financial reasons required me to make some changes and paying for Muay Thai lessons didn’t fit into the plan. I still continue to train and practice everything that I have learned in my basement and at the gym, but there is no advancement. I feel like I failed as a fighter. The thing is, I had yet to realize what my real fight would be . . .

SIX

Anthony turned six years old yesterday. Although, his day had a pretty rough start. He was playing outside in the yard and he twisted his ankle right before we had to leave for school. About an hour before he was to return home from school, I received a call from the school nurse saying that he had ran into a pole on the playground and bumped his head pretty bad. Oh well, what better way to end the day - a cup full tokens, two best buddies (Owen and John) and that wonderful pizza at Chuck E Cheeses.

MONSTER

I have been out of sorts lately. My counselor started a new exercise with me a couple of weeks ago, one that would challenge me to think of my past abusiveness. This is not easy. Thinking of people that I have intentionally hurt and how I hurt them is a difficult task. And to top it all off, throw in the effect that pornography has wreaked in my life as well.

I feel like dirt. I feel like a MONSTER!

I guess this has to be done though. The old me has to be exposed to the fullest in order to discover the new me. As I dive into this journey, I am first and foremost praying that God keeps me humble. I am asking for a lot of grace. Not only from God, but from my readers (all 8 of you) as well. And of course, forgiveness will be required on all parts.

That being said; Mike Huddy is a good friend of mine, or at least he was. I grew up with this guy since the 5th grade. We did everything together: we were both artistic, had the same taste in bikes and cars, same taste in music and we were both kinda clumsy outcasts. When there was nothing to do, we just hung out. We were best buddies. Somewhere around the 7th or 8th grade changes started to occur. We each had other friends that we didn't care for. We also had enemies as well. Mike seemed to have a few more than me and it became easier for me to gain up on Mike with the kids who didn't like him. I did it to gain popularity with those kids so that they wouldn't pick on me. I did it at Mike's expense. At the time it didn't bother me. Mike always rolled with the punches and somehow our friendship remained. Looking back, I really don't know why Mike liked me so much. It seems like I was probably his worst enemy most of the time. Time goes on, kids grow up and go their separate ways and things get swept aside. I don't talk much to Mike anymore. I have lived in a different city than him for 21 years. I still chat with him every now and then on facebook (I call it wastebook), but that's about it. About a year ago, I said something really mean to him. I criticized his lifestyle and basically told him to grow up. That's not what a real friend says to another. I intended it to be entirely different. I still love the guy and was just concerned for him. But how I plan to say things and how I actually say them are two entirely different methods.
"Mike, I have a feeling you will be reading this. I hope you don't mind me putting you on the spot. I really feel bad about how I treated you. I know we are in different places in life now, but it would mean a lot to me if you would accept my deepest apology? I am sorry!"

Next up would be my parents. This is a really tough one. The two people in the world that I am supposed to honor the most. The two people that raised me despite all of the crappy circumstances that they lived through. My dad was a roofer and my mom stayed home. I remember food stamps and second hand clothes. I know that I loved my parents, but as I got older my respect for them grew thinner. My mom became an easy target for me to ridicule. Especially in front of my friends. I really don't know what I was thinking half of the time. I'm sure it didn't make me look as cool as I thought it did. I've always favored my dad probably because I feared him. Back then it was common to get a whooping or an ass beating when I did something wrong. As I grew into a teenager my opinions of them got worse. I separated myself from them as much as I could. Now, it's the separation that kills me. We live in Cincinnati, they still live in Columbus. I only see my parents once or twice a year. I miss them - deeply! I miss the conversations that my mom and I would have. I miss trying to make my old man proud of me. I miss seeing their faces. It hurts. I often think of the folk song "Cat's In The Cradle" by Harry Chapin. Life gets so busy and time gets away.
"Mom and Dad, I am sorry for ever being a troublesome teenager. I'm sorry for the insults and cheap shots. I am a lesser man for it. I hope you can accept my apology. I love you! You ARE both great parents".

My wife. My beautiful bride. I waited 23 years for God to bring her into my life. 23 years of scaring girls away with my looks or my falseness. 23 years of hiding the monster that I have become. I vowed that I would never hurt her. I vowed that I would love her unconditionally. I vowed that I would love and respect her, and I tried. I thought I was doing fine. Sure, we've had our ups and downs. Sure, I'm a man and I'm going to say and do stupid things. But what went wrong? Maybe the question should be: What was wrong? I was broken inside. I had a false image of what women should be. This is where the pornography comes in. All of those fake bodies and false acts of sex became my obsession. I was a virgin when I met my bride to be (except for a one night stand that didn't turn out to be much). But I was already damaged from years of viewing porn and I developed a false expectation of what women want. I thought of them as sex objects. And the funny thing is that I couldn't even get any sex, which made me disrespect girls even more so. I don't know why girls didn't like me very much when I was growing up (except for my ugliness and dorkiness), but they did. My fantasy world of porn never let me down. I brought all of that into my marriage. Everything seemed to be fine for the first couple of years. Our sex life was healthy and I managed to keep my porn addiction at bay. But then kids were born, lifestyles changed and bodies changed. I let my meanness resurface. I said abusive and disrespectful things, sometimes intentionally and sometimes unintentionally. My love for my wife became conditional. I hurt her and made her feel worthless and unwanted. I was at my lowest. I don't know why she still stands by me, but she does. She has always believed in me, even when I didn't. She has always modeled unconditional love for me and I didn't deserve it. She has forgiven me even when I can't forgive myself. She is Jesus on display. I am lucky to have her. I am blessed by her love. It doesn't come free though. There is a price. Boundaries have been set and trust has to be regained. Which leads to the here and now. I have been receiving counsel since November. I have made a lot of progress with my control issues, my pride, my stubbornness and selfishness. Dealing with my abusiveness and porn addiction is just the next step. I have allowed God to painfully chisel into my heart and perform His glorious transformation of me. It has been difficult and at times I have felt like giving up. But I still have some fight in me and I'm not done until the Good Lord says that I am.

I don't know if anybody actually reads this blog (outside of my friends), but if you do, and you are addicted to porn or any other destructive behavior . . . RUN! Get out of it as soon as possible. Find someone that you trust and that you can open up to. Get counseling from a Christian counselor. Seek help somehow. And pray! Ask God to help you with your addiction. Ask him to reveal the monster in your life. Once the monster is exposed, pray for transformation. I will be praying for you, because you are worthy.

Peace!

Random Pics

Just wanted to share some of the photos that I have taken with my new camera. These were all shot with an 18-55mm lens, which is the only lens that I have at this moment. As I gain more experience, I will purchase better lenses to capture my shots. Enjoy.

First time I've ever captured lightning in a photo.

Anthony having fun.

BIG hair Lanie.

Dominick's passion.

Coco just turned 3.

The bee flew away too soon.

Next: David Letterman's stupid human tricks.

Dependent

I have been sick now since Friday. I was out to dinner with my family and a friend when some kind of flu attacked me, and boy did it hit me hard. It started with a runny nose and a lot of sinus congestion and within a couple of hours I was experiencing chills, heat flashes, body aches and cramps, extreme nausea . . . OK, you get the picture. It was just a few weeks ago that I felt the same symptoms, but not as extreme.
I have become dependent on every kind of cold and flu drug that there is. I hate being sick, but I hate taking medicine even more. I have taken so much crap the past few days, I don't even know what's working or in this case, not working. I have been taking Emergen-C, Cold-Eeze, Vitamin C (about 3,000mg a day), Ibuprofen, migraine pills, and I made a trip to the ER on Sunday only to come away with a prescription for Sudafed (the Doctor there said "It looks like you just have a really bad cold". I'm so glad that he was getting paid a boat load to tell me what I already know).
I was reading my book "Facing Your Giants" [by Max Lucado] when I came across this paragraph:
So David leaves, and Saul calls off the hunt. David defects into the hands of the enemy. He leads his men into the land of idols and false gods and pitches his tent in Goliath's back yard. He plops down in the pasture of satan himself.
Initially, David feels relief. Saul gives up the chase. David's men can sleep with both eyes closed. Children can attend kindergarten and wives can unpack the suitcases. Hiding out with the enemy brings temporary relief.
Doesn't it always?
Stop resisting alcohol, and you'll laugh - for a while.
Move out on your spouse, and you'll relax - for a time.
Indulge in the porn, and you'll be entertained - for a season.
But the talons of temptation sink in. Waves of guilt crash in. The loneliness of the breakup rushes in. "There's a way of life that looks harmless enough; look again - it leads straight to hell. Sure, those people appear to be having a good time, but all that laughter will end in heartbreak" (Prov. 14:12-13 MSG).

In this paragraph, David is giving up on God and himself. He is running out of trust and getting tired of running from Saul. He throws himself into the hands of his enemy thinking Saul will give up the hunt. He becomes dependent on the false idols and the enticing temporary relief that they bring. This got me to thinking about the false idols that I have had in my life. And as corny as it may sound, it got me to thinking about the false remedies for my flu. Every single label of the meds that I have been taking reads, "temporarily relieves". In a few short days, I have become dependent on every one of these temporary reliefs only to feel continually miserable.
My only hope was to refer to the ultimate Doctor. I started praying and rebuking the illness. I didn't receive any miraculous healing, but I did start to feel some gradual relief. The fever went away. The body aches ceased in intensity. The runny nose, well, it's still there but it's not as bad. And for the first time in four nights, I was able to breathe and experience rest. I guess that if I weren't a believer I could just write all of this off and say that it is just a result of all of the medicine that I have been taking. I say "Not". I say "Thank You Jesus".

New Toy

I purchased a new camera this week. Actually, I sent our old one back to Canon to get repaired and they offered to use it as a trade in on an upgraded model. It is a refurbished Canon EOS Rebel XS. I got it for half the price of a new one. My hopes now are to learn how to use it and to add some pretty good media to my blog. I know how to take pictures if it's in Auto Mode, but I'm not experienced with aperture or shutter speed yet. I've been reading the manual and experimenting with it all day and I have to say that the picture quality is much better than our old camera. This is just an entry level digital SLR, but that is good enough for me and I am excited to start using it. Here are some of it's features:



* 10.1 effective megapixel APS-C CMOS sensor.
* DIGIC III Image Processor.
* 2.5-inch TFT color LCD monitor with 230,000-dot resolution.
* Live View shooting.
* Wide-area 7 point AF with center cross-type sensors.
* EOS Self Cleaning Sensor Unit.
* Continuous Drive up to 3 frames per second for as many JPEG files or up to 1.5 frames per second for 5 RAW files or 4 RAW+JPEG files.
* ISO sensitivity 100–1600.
* Canon EF/EF-S lenses.
* NTSC/PAL video output.
* File formats include: JPEG, RAW (12-bit Canon original).
* Canon LP-E5 battery pack, battery life (shots per charge) approx. 190–600 without flash or 180–500 with 50% flash use.
* Approx. weight 0.450 kilograms (0.99 lb).