Today I received counsel on humility and swimming lessons at the same time. My counselor and I are still digging into some of my control issues, and with them, there is still a great amount of pride and anger that I am carrying around.
First, let me share a paragraph from a book that I am reading called, "Humility"; by C.J. Mahaney.
I've found that it's possible for me to charge into my day motivated by self-sufficiency. But I've also learned that the very act of opening my Bible to read, and turning my heart and mind to prayer makes a statement that I need God. I find great benefit from this understanding, because like you, I have wildly fluctuating emotional experiences from day to day in my devotions. One morning I am profoundly aware that God is near to me, while the next day I can sense only His absence. In a matter of hours I go from what seems to be an effortless experience of pure joy to asking, "Where are You? Where did You go?"
The fact is, of course, He didn't go anywhere. Yesterday He allowed me to sense His presence; today He seems to be sending the message, "I want you to grow more in your trust in Me,; therefore, I am withdrawing that sense of My nearness".
This hit me like a train. That described me to a "T". I am constantly seeking and praising God, and acknowledging when He is present and working in my life. But as soon as He starts to withdrawal, I start freaking out. For example; the past few weeks have had their share of spiritual highs for me, but then that worry about not selling this house and going into possible foreclosure starts to sneak in. Immediately, I lose my trust and faith, and cry out "Where are You God? When are You going to free us from this?"
Back to the swimming lessons. My counselor painted this picture for me. I am in this River (God's Grace), and I am flowing along with the current. What does it look like to stay in that current and remain at His pace? What obstacles in that river do I clean onto for safety? What if I were to try to get out of the water or try to swim upstream? Or, what if I am swimming too fast downstream and getting ahead of God? I know that the current is His calling for me right now. He wants me to go downstream with Him in order to cleanse me and teach me. I don't want to get out of the water right now, so that is not an issue. Nor do I want to swim upstream and go against Him, but I sometimes find myself doing that. I also have items that I am holding onto for safety; such as my material possessions, but He is slowly washing those away. I think my biggest problem is getting ahead of Him. I want to get to the end of the river as fast as possible in order to receive my prize. That is me controlling again. My pride has taught me how to be self-sufficient. How to get it done myself. Although I am in the river, I am soaking in everything that He has for me, but I am not letting it humble me.
The next page in my book, "Humility", shared this:
Where there is worry, where there's anxiousness, pride is at the root of it. When I am experiencing anxiety, the root issue is that I am trying to be self-sufficient. I'm acting independent of God.
What's the solution?
"Humble yourself," God says.
How?
"Acknowledge your need for Me! Cast your cares upon Me, and I will transform you".
So I guess I'll be swimming for a while. The funny thing is that I can't swim at all in real life. I have been wanting to take lessons, but feel that it would be silly for a forty year old man to do such a thing. I have to trust that God won't let me drown. It's kind of like when you are a kid, and your daddy holds you up by your chest and stomach, and skims you across the surface of the water until you get used to how it feels. I never gained that trust with my earthly father. My fear of drowning was too powerful. So now, I am a rock that just sits in the water as it flows around me. Not in God's river though. In His river, I am a leaf that flows gently down the stream.
My goal now is to be humbled; my goal is to get to the end of the river, at His pace. Learning and soaking in everything that He has to teach me along the way.
Peace!
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