Who Am I...Really?

Who is the real you? Are you the same version of you as yesterday...last week...last month...a year ago? Have you evolved into something or someone totally different than when you were a just a kid? I think we all make changes as we grow. We adapt to our circumstances and our lifestyles. But what I want to know is "who is the true you"? This is something I've been asking myself over the past several weeks.
We are doing this series at church called "A Look In The Mirror" and it has challenged this question of who I really am. I know that my name is Nicholas Carlos Calcara. I was born in Columbus, Ohio. I have one brother and no sisters. I had a pretty normal childhood. I listened to "Big Hair" rock music for most of the 80's. I never did drugs or even drank alcohol. I never really partied or hung out with the crowds that did. I had dreams and goals of what I thought I wanted to be when I grew older. I graduated from high school in 1988. Sounds pretty normal...right?
In July of 1989, I entered the United States Air Force. It was there that I thought I discovered myself. Yes, the Air Force shaped me into much of the man that I am today, but something else happened there. I became somebody. I struggled with fitting in when I was a kid because I didn't where the nice clothes, or do the drugs, or any of the other nonsense that went on in high school. I had acne, crooked teeth, and nappy hair. I had no self confidence. I was just floating through life. That field was leveled for me in the military. We were stripped of our former identities to become "one". Our heads were shaved. We all had the same clothes. We all had one mission and that was to graduate basic training. And in order to do that, we had to do it as a team. I FIT IN!
I was accepted. I had brothers. I was a warrior.
After all of the training was completed, I was sent to Albuquerque, New Mexico, where I lived for the next four years working in my career. I had friends that were from all over the U.S. They were different colors, had different back grounds, and different beliefs. I think that is where it began for me. I started to change myself to be more like the guys that I wanted to be friends with. For the black guys, I listened to the music that they listened to and I talked the way they did. For the athletic guys, I started lifting weights and hung out with them to gain insight on their strengths. And pretty much all of the guys were "players" so I tried to be that as well. Still not much luck with the girls though, somehow they could always see right through me. The sad truth for me though, is that I acquired a bunch of false identities just to fit in.
In the fall of '93, I met Ann Lauer who is now my wife of fourteen years. We got married in '95. In 1998 we had our first child, our second in 2001, and our third in 2003. Somewhere in that mix we moved three or four times, I got a college degree, Ann established herself in two careers and we found Jesus. I'm sure a lot more happened over the past 16 years, but you get the picture. Life goes by quick. Somehow, we manage to lose ourselves. Plans and dreams get changed. We sacrifice ourselves for our spouses, kids, friends, careers and our temporary materialistic wants. We become something or someone totally opposite of what we wanted to be.
This summer, I downloaded some of my favorite rock songs from the 80's. I have been listening to the words and I am amazed at how a lot of my favorite songs from back then were cries for God.
So I've decided to listen some other secular music that is more current and up to date...same thing...people searching for Him. This music has been appealing to that inner warrior that is still part of me and calling it out. I love Christian music and listen to it for the most part, but I also remember that the rock music is a big part of who I was growing up. I threw it all away because I didn't think that it would fit in with my new "Godly" lifestyle. My point is, God loved me for who I was back then so why should I have to thrown away that part of me just to follow Him? I think He was only asking me to get rid of the junk that didn't glorify Him.
Remember that part I mentioned about discovering that "warrior self" when I was in the military? Somehow that got swept under the carpet over the years. I have blogged before about the Men's Group that I am in and our quest for our warrior hearts. That quest has been an incredible but hard journey. A lot of crap is being sorted through and called out. A lot of lies about who we are as men are being questioned. We are discovering God and we are discovering our true identities. Identities that we once had or began to establish when we younger. Lately, I have been feeling like that warrior that I once was in my military days. The false images that I have worn over the years, just to impress or gain friends, are being stripped away. The real me is coming back out. Nothing can change my love or purpose for God, but I have realized that it is important to celebrate and enjoy the things that have shaped me into the man that I am.
Growing up, I enjoyed watching boxing. I always wanted to be a boxer and I loved "ROCKY". I need to mention that I was pretty scrawny and had no self confidence back then. This hindered me from playing sports. I got picked on a lot but avoided confrontation because I was afraid to fight. I'm not saying that fighting would have been o.k., but I should have been able to stand up for myself. I am letting go of that lie and letting that warrior out. I am taking Muay Thai and boxing lessons. I love it. I hope to learn how to grapple soon and I am looking forward to sparring with someone. This has been a huge freedom for me. Something that I have been holding back for a lot of years. It is a huge part of my identity.
I am still Nicholas Calcara. I live in Cincinnati, Ohio. I am a husband to a beautiful and intelligent wife. I have three wonderful kids. I am a son of God and He loves me as I am. I am accepted. I have purpose. I am a fighter and a warrior for Christ. I am a man chiseled in His image. I am looking in the mirror, and I can see me.
So, who are you...really? What are you holding back? What false image/s have you acquired? What or who do you see when you look in the mirror?